Updated: Mar 29, 2020
What's covered: How to communicate effectively in relationships & how to have a more conscious relationship with your partner, friends & family
Sometimes I have flashbacks to how I've behaved in past relationships and I inwardly cringe...
I haven't always been this cool, calm and collected. Far from it, especially when it came to intimate relationships. Let me paint a scene: I'm 25 years old, standing in front of my boyfriend, hands on hips, eyes narrowing and face (unattractively) reddening. I'm a nit's tit off stamping my foot and screaming like a 3-year-old kid in the confectionery aisle! I can't stand it anymore: I have this overwhelming and suffocating sensation of being utterly frustrated, misunderstood, not listened to. And mixed into that soupy sludge is the adrenaline-triggering fear that this is it; we won't be able to work it out as a couple. I'm standing on that familiar ledge, and although some quiet, knowing voice is saying, Lauren, don't do it, pull back now, you know it never leads to anything good... I just can't help myself. Before the high-pitched words have even left my mouth, I know I'm going to jump into that abyss of pain: "Look what you're doing to me!" "Why can't you change?!" "How dare you keep acting like this! You make me feel so angry, sad and alone..." For a short, delicious moment it feels good. A small, satiated wave of relief...and then comes the remorse. I look at his face: the blankness, the hurt, the sense that some deep and private part of him has just moved that little bit further away from me. Once again we're first-class passengers on the relationship escalator to nowhere. Nothing's been resolved. No greater intimacy has been reached or shared. We've just slapped and cemented another sh*t brick on the wall that's growing between us. Do our personal relationships have to be like this? Are couples destined to play out this pass-the-pain game in relationships again, and again? NO and NO! So, what was the biggest relationship changer for me? What do I know now about relationships that I wish I'd known then?
Here are my 5 life-changing tips for better communication and deeper intimacy, so you can calmly resolve relationship issues and consciously create relationship breakthroughs right now:
No one can make you feel anything; you're the only person who can truly upset you. (Ooh, that was a hard one to acknowledge and then live it.)
Relationships act like mirrors, and they often reflect things we don't want to see about ourselves.
Your mind will spin you in all different directions, but really there is only two options: acceptance (of the situation and person) OR conscious action.
Communication - like great kissing - takes two. You don't have to be natural-born mediators, but each of you needs to be willing to learn, and stuff up, and try again.
Welcome the "triggers" (aka tears and troubles) because, when navigated consciously, they will make you so much wiser and all your relationships so much stronger.
Want to know how I now approach a partner, or any person for that matter, who rattles my chain? Here's an example:"You know when you didn't contact me the other night, it really triggered some past pain in me about not knowing what was happening, and I really want to talk to you about it..." I know, it's so ridiculously undramatic and boringly adult-like. You know what else it is? Unbelievably effective. Keep listening to your body and trusting your wise self,
Lauren x P.S. If this email has "triggered" you and you'd really like to communicate better in your relationships, then join my fluff-free health tribe for ongoing holistic health tips and conscious relationship advice. (FREE welcome gift included when you join today.) P.P.S. Feeling in an extra communicative mood? Click on one of the social media icons below and share this "relationship rejuvenating" blog with your savvy inner circle. P.P.P.S. And in case you're curious... No, the relationship I wrote about at the beginning of this email didn't work out, but boy did I learn A LOT!
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